My mother sent this to me and I thought it was hysterical! Teachers, get ready... this is what we're in for! Love it!


A HISTORY OF THE WORLD



By Richard Lederer



Copyright 1987 by Verbatim, “ The Language Quarterly”

“Student Bloopers” Used by permission







One of the fringe benefits of being an English or history teacher is receiving the occasional jewel of a student blooper in an essay. I have pasted together the following “history” of the world from certifiably genuine student bloopers collected by teachers throughout the United States, from eighth grade through college level. Read carefully, and you will learn a lot.





The inhabitants of ancient Egypt were called mummies. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere, so certain areas of the dessert are cultivated by irritation. The Egyptians built the Pyramids in the shape of a huge triangular cube. The Pramids are a range of mountains between France and Spain.

The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible, Guinesses, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, once asked “Am I my brother’s son?” God asked Abraham to sacrifice Issac on Mount Montezuma. Jacob, son of Isaac, stole his brother’s birth mark. Jacob was a patriarch who brought up his twelve sons to be patriarchs, but they did not take to it. One of Jacob’s sons, Joseph, gave refuse to the Israelites. Pharaoh forced the Hebrew slaves to make bread without straw. Moses led them to the Red Sea, where they make unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Afterwards, Moses went upon Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. David was a Hebrew kings skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Philatelists, a race of people who lived in Biblical times. Solomon, one of David’s sons had 500 wifes and 500 porcupines.

Without the Greeks we wouldn’t have history. The Greeks invented three kinds of columns – Corinthian, Doric, and Ironic. They also had myths. A myth is a female moth. One myth says that the mother of Achilles dipped him the River Stynx until he became intolerable. Achilles appears in The Iliadd, by Homer. Homer also wrote The Oddity, in which Penelope was the last hardship that Ulysses endured on his journey. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.

Socrates was a famous Geek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock.

In the Olympic Games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and threw the java. The reward to the victor was a coral wreath. The government of Athens was democratic because people took the law into their own hands. There were no wars in Greece, as the mountains were so high that they couldn’t climb over to see what their neighbors were doing. When they fought with the Persians, the Greeks were outnumbered because the Persians had more men.

Eventually, the Ramons conquered the Geeks. History calls people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long. At Roman banquets, the guests wore garlics in their hair. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Nero was a cruel tyranny who would torture his poor subjects by playing the fiddle to them.

Then came the Middle Ages. King Alfred conquered the Dames, King Arthur lived in the Age of Shivery, King Harold mustarded his troops before the Battle of Hastings, Joan of Arc was canonized by Bernard Shaw, the victims of the Black Death grew boobs on their necks. Finally, the Magna Carta provided that no free man should be hanged twice for the same offense.

In midevil times most of the people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the time was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verses and also wrote literature. Another tale tells of William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son’s head.

The Renaissance was an age in which more individuals felt the value of their human being. Martin Luther was nailed to the church door at Wittenberg for selling papal indulgences. He died a horrible death, being excommunicated by a bull. It was the painter Donatello’s interest in the female nude that made him the father of the Renaissance. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented the Bible. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.

The government of England was a limited mockery. Henry VIII found walking difficult because he had an abbiss on his knee. Queen Elizabeth was the “Virgin Queen”. As a queen she was a success. When Elizabeth exposed herself before her troops, they all shouted “hurrah”. Then her navy went out and defeated the Spanish Armidillo.

The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespear. Shakespear never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He lived at Windsor with his merry wives, writing tragedies, comedies, and errors. In one of Shakespeare’s famous plays, Hamlet rations out his situation by relieving himself in a long soliloquy. In another, Lady Macbeth tries to convince Macbeth to kill the King by attacking his manhood. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. Writing at the same time as Shakespear was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.

During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe. Later, the Pilgrims crossed the ocean, and this was known as Pilgrims Progress. When they landed at Plymouth Rock, they were greeted by the Indians, who came down the hill rolling their war hoops before them. The Indian squabs carried porpoises on their backs. Many of the Indian heroes were killed, along with their cabooses, which proved very fatal to them. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.

One of the causes of the Revolutionary Wars was that the English put tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their parcels through the post without stamps. During the War, the Red Coats and Paul Revere was throwing balls over stone walls. The dogs were barking and the peacocks crowing. Finally the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis.

Delegates from the original thirteen states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin had gone to Boston carrying all his clothes in his pocket and a loaf of bread under each arm. He invented electricity by rubbing cats backwards and declared, “A horse divided against itself cannot stand.” Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.

George Washington married Martha Curtis and in due time became the Father of Our Country. The Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the Constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.

Abraham Lincoln became America’s greatest Precedent. Lincoln’s mother died in infancy and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. When Lincoln was President, he wore only a tall silk hat. He said, “In onion there is strength.” Abraham Lincoln wrote the Gettysburg Address while traveling from Washington to Gettysburg on the back of an envelope. He also freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation, and the Fourteenth Amendment gave the ex-Negroes citizenship. But the Clue Clux Clan would torcher and lynch the ex-Negroes and other innocent victims. It claimed it represented law and odor. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth’s career.





Page 2







Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltare invented electricity and also wrote a book called Candy. Gravity was invented by Isaac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the Autumn, when the apples are falling off the trees.

Bach was the most famous composer in the world, and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was very large. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.

France was in a very serious state. The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened. The Marseillaise was the theme song of the French Revolution, and it catapulted into Napoleon. During the Napoleonic Wars, the crowned heads of Europe were trembling in their shoes. Then the Spanish gorillas came down from the hills and nipped at Napoleon’s flanks. Napoleon became ill with bladder problems and was very tense and unrestrained. He wanted an heir to inherit his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn’t bear children.

The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the West. Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for sixty-three years. Her reclining years and finally the end of her life were exemplatory and of great personality. Her death was the final event which ended her reign.

The nineteenth century was a time of many great inventions and thoughts. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men. Samuel Morse invented a code of telepathy. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman Curie discovered radium and Karl Marx became one of the Marx brothers.

The First World War, caused by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by a surf, ushered in a new error in the in the anals of human history.

An Author Study:  Judy Blume

By Randi E Brewer

Children’s Literature—LAE 4416

              

As a child growing up in a large family, I found a way to escape the chaos that surrounded me by immersing myself in books.  I could become so engrossed that the world felt quiet and I found peace.  One of my favorite authors as a child was Judy Blume.  I began reading her anecdotes of “Fudge”, In Tales of a Fourth Grade Nothing and Super Fudge. These first stories were delightful and showed me that many families were as dysfunctional as my own.  Peter, the main character in the Fudge stories, was the oldest brother and constantly felt bothered by his younger siblings.  He also felt left out of a lot of fun because he was no longer the baby.  I could completely understand his plight because I was also the oldest and his stories made me feel better about my own life.

As I got older, Judy Blume’s books guided me through adolescence.  Her books discussed subjects that weren’t brought up in my household.  Stories of menstruation, and development such as “Are you there God, It’s me, Margaret” or bullying in “Blubber” really hit home and helped me through those difficult growing years.  I find that as I look back Ms. Blume’s stories tied me to a world that I didn’t feel part of and helped me through a late blossoming adolescence.

Judy Blume was born Judy Sussman on February 12, 1938 in Elizabeth, New Jersey. It has been told that a young Judy Sussman spent most of her youth making up stories in her head.  She stated that she wanted to be many different things when she grew up, but a writer was never one of her imagined future occupations. Ms. Blume graduated High School from Battin High School in 1956. She went to Boston College for a short time, but graduated from New York University in 1961 with a B.S. degree in Education.

According to Judy’s official biography on www.judyblume.com , Ms. Bloom is a “Distinguished Alumna in 1996, the same year the American Library Association honored her with the Margaret A. Edwards Award for Lifetime Achievement. Other recognitions include the Library of Congress Living Legends Award and the 2004 National Book Foundation's Medal for Distinguished Contribution to American Letters.”

“She is the founder and trustee of The Kids Fund, a charitable and educational foundation. She serves on the boards of the Author's Guild; the Society of Children's Book Writers and Illustrators; the Key West Literary Seminar; and the National Coalition Against Censorship.”

            Judy Blume writes her books about many sensitive subjects, including divorce, religion, body image and even sexuality.  Many of her books have been challenged by school libraries and have been scrutinized for her subject material.  Ms. Blume is an advocate for Anti-Censorship laws. She helped organize an anti-book burning club in the mid 1980’s.  Ms. Blume has stood her ground and her books can be found in 31 different languages, with book sales exceeding 80 million dollars.

Some great Websites for Ms. Blume are:

http://www.judyblume.com/home.php Is Judy Blume’s official website.  It includes a biography, a list of her books and tidbits on each book about what guided her to write that particular story.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Judy_Blume Is the wiki for Judy Blume, including her biography and a list of her books and accomplishments.

Ms. Bloom’s twitter page: http://twitter.com/#!/judyblume

You will find all important events and personal information regarding Judy Blume on http://www.nndb.com/people/318/000022252/

Some books and novels she has written:

Iggy's House (1970, novel, juvenile)
Are You There God? It's Me, Margaret (1970, novel, juvenile)
Then Again, Maybe I Won't (1971, novel, juvenile)
Tales of a Fourth Grade Nothing (1972, novel, juvenile)
Otherwise Known as Sheila the Great (1972, novel, juvenile)
Deenie (1973, novel, juvenile)
Blubber (1974, novel, juvenile)
Forever (1976, novel, juvenile)
Wifey (1977, novel)
Starring Sally J. Freedman As Herself (1977, novel, juvenile)
Superfudge (1980, novel, juvenile)

Tiger Eyes (1981, novel)
Smart Women (1984, novel)
Fudge-a-mania (1990, novel, juvenile)
Here's to You Rachel Robinson (1993, novel, juvenile)
Summer Sisters (1998, novel)

My Favorite Book

Phantom

Erik runs away from one horror into another as he is found by a band of gypsies. He is thrown into a cage and treated like an animal.  The gypsies show him in their fair as the "child corpse".  It's not until Erik shows them his mystical singing voice, use of ventriloquism and magic tricks that he becomes even more valuable to the Gypsies.  They teach him slight of hand and other ways of gypsy life.  Erik realizes his power and by the age of 14 he leaves the gypsies and begins to travel Europe.  His genius, his almost photographic memory and his need for constant information takes him to visit all the great cities and eventually lands him in Italy where he meets a master architect....

As Erik learns a new trade, he begins to become less suspicious of humanity.  He realizes that he has gifts to create beautiful buildings and that his life with the gypsies, while educational, was not for an educated person.  Tragedy continues to plague Erik and he is swept into Persia, into a society so wicked and twisted it can only resume his hatred of humanity.  When Erik finally escapes, now a rich and powerful magician, he wanders back to his homeland of Paris... to his love of building and of music.  Erik continues his journey to eventually become "The Phantom of the Opera".  To find out what creates this mythical creature from a phenomenal man, you must pick up the book, Phantom, and follow Erik through his life.  Each twist in his life is a new turn towards the Phantom you know.  This book is a magical as it's character and will forever be a favored story in my book collection.   To buy this book click here by Susan Kay was originally published in 1990.  It tells the story of Erik, born in 1831 with severe facial deformities to a newly widowed, but extremely entitled woman. Erik is shunned by his mother, made to wear a mask in infancy, and tortured by his community.  His only friend is his dog, who does not hate him for his face but instead loves him unconditionally.  Erik is soon to be discovered a genious; in art, writing, music, language and architechure.  He becomes enthralled in vantrilliquism and magic, which makes his mother even more suspicious of his evil. His mother, as insisted by her priest, finds tutors for Erik in order to focus his genious into approved studies.  He soon outshines any student the teacher has ever had and has aspirations for more knowledge.  Unfortunately, due to his deformity, his mother and his tutor both believe that he will never be allowed to attend University.  Erik goes through many difficulties in his young life and after long years of verbal and mental abuse from his mother he runs away from his childhood home.